Thursday, September 27, 2005, I left for a 72 hour spirtual retreat that, at the time I didn't know it, would change me forever. I was excited and scared all at once about going. This was something I had never done before and I was doing it alone. There were 5 other women from my church going but I had never taken any religious class or activity before without Marty. He wasn't even allowed to go with me to drop me off.
On the drive out, my fear rose and by time the sponsors from our church had left, I was in near panic mode. Friday, I walked around in a haze trying to figure out why I was there but actually started settling down. I talked with the ladies from my church and made some friends that I didn't expect to make. On Saturday morning, I received the answer to why I was suppose to be there. God's grace came so hard to my heart that I'm still in awe of the power of Him. Knelt at a foot the cross I laid down my pride, my selfishness, and my selfpity and I picked up my cross and have been carrying it every since.
Until this Saturday and then Sunday...............I stumbled and then fell. The pain in my heart is so heavy. I'm confused and bruised. I'm human and I'm subject to all human conditions. God knows I've experienced most all of them at some point. God's grace is so devine and I know that when I asked His forgiveness it was unconditional given to me but the feeling of letting Him down is so strong. Letting anyone down or being anyone elses stumbling block is something that truly weighs on my heart.
With being the Interim Children's Minister for the church, the very thought of the possiblity of causing someone to turn from God because I stumbled or fell due to my humanist causes me to be so ill. I know there is only one perfect Christian and none of us will ever compare to His glory, but ...............
I can't find the words, yet I can hear some of my friends as they will read this. "Don't be so hard on yourself." "You have to forgive yourself as God has forgiven you." "We all suffer from human errors." I know. Just hitting earth after being among Angels since October 1, 2005 can really hurt.
God, I'm listening. I don't know what your telling me but I'm trying to listen.
DeColores
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all?
Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl?
What if I stumble, and what if I fall?
Father please forgive me for I cannot compose
The fear that lives within me or the rate at which it grows.
If struggle has a purpose on the narrow road you've carved
Why do I dread my trespasses will it leave a deadly scar?
DC Talk's - What if I stumble - from the Jesus Freak album
2 comments:
We love you and know that God loves you and you know that we will be here to help you when you stumble as we all do! Actually I think you just stubbed your big toe so....Don't be so hard on yourself!
Love you!
I hope you are doing better. The thing I have learned the most from my journey is that "We are all human". Not everyone recognizes it, but I think they are just looking for excuses or ways to make themselves feel better. How I handle my stumbles is what matters.
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