Never Stops, Does it?

We never out grow it do we? We never stop having those stupid high school dramas. Why is that? Why can't we grow up and just get a long? Why must we all be so self absorbed that we don't realize that others have issues too?

Christ tells us to love one another as we love ourselves. If we were to all do this I don't think this would be a problem. There wouldn't stupid issues of: "you don't ever call me." "You visit him more then you do me." "OH, you didn't invite us to the party." Why do we get our feelings hurt over, most of the time, unintentional exclusions? In high school it was because we didn't get invited to "THE" party or "THE" movie or "THE" whatever. But at what age do we stop feeling we are deliberately being cut off when most of the time it is just the lack of time people have in their busy lives.

I'm having an issue right now and I don't feel I can talk to anyone about it which is just silly because I have a ton of wonderful friends who would listen if I would just call. I know that their life is full of issues they are dealing with and so I don't want to call. What this does though, is it makes me feel like no one cares and like I'm the one always being there for them but not getting the same back. Which in turns makes me want to be there less for them because their not being there for me. Yet, I'm not giving them the chance to be either, but shouldn't they know me well enough to know what all is going on with me. Shouldn't they be calling and just checking in on me? Why must I be the one that always makes the calls? Thus a vicious cycle continues to go round.

I have tried to turn this over to Christ so many times but I am a weak, weak human and I let this chain of gloom drag me down. I love my friends, my sisters and would do anything and everything to move heaven and earth for them. I always try to put my sisters needs before my own and be Christ servant of love to all. Yet when the guilt monster comes out because one has needed more attention and thus left another feeling slighted, I can not deal. How do I get past my feeling of despair when someone feels that I'm not their "true friend" because I have not been there for them as they expect me to based solely on their view of the situation.

Sometimes I think facebook, instant messaging, twitter, text messages and voicemail have truly destroyed good friendships because us humans feel slighted when someone responds to another post but not ours, or comments on their photo but not ours, or they don't get right back to us when we sent them a text or twitter. REALLY - When will we ever stop putting so much pressure on each other to make us happy. Isn't that what we're looking for? You call me and show me I'm important to you and thus I'm happy. I call you and show you your important tome and thus your happy.

When will I fully let go and let God handle this? How many times do I have to take it to the cross? I guess Satan knows me too well and thus continues to undermine me growing in God.

Dear Heavenly Father,

Gracious father, please take these evil feelings of loneliness and despair and inadequacy away. Please help me learn to discern the issues that I should concern myself with and to let go of those that are really of no merit. Guide me each day to love and accept each person as children of yours and remind me that we each fall short of perfection. Help me to forgive those that may not understand me or who may think ill of me and learn that being liked by all is far less of importance then being loved by you. Let me find my happiness in you and the wonderful blessing you have granted me. I just want to be your daughter, to walk in your way.

With all my love,

Walk to Emmaus

The Walk to Emmaus is a very important part of mine and Marty's life and I have been asked to be a Lay Director in 2011. Basically a lay director is the person that puts the walk together for the weekend. They are responsible for getting the people to work, and organizing all the speakers and making sure all the supplies are there. It's a huge responsibility.

I'm a very organized person and have organized vacation bible school for 5 years, plus a children's ministry for 4 years, plus a girl scout troop of 10-20 girls and even a gs camp for over 150 girls. So I know I can do this BUT I'm so scared. I'm worried that no one will want to work this walk, which Marty swears is ridiculous. I'm scared that there won't be any one that is available because it is in Aug and everyone will be getting ready for back to school. I concerned about the ton of reading that a lay director must read through out the weekend. I'm concerned that I will not be a good servant and listen to what God is telling me to do.

See my walk was a pivoting point on my journey with Christ and it was because of the servants that Christ put there on the walk to help me discern the path that God had for to travel on. What if I don't LISTEN and do something more out of obligation? Stupid by most opinions I'm sure but I feel so very unworthy of this task. Christ is counting and me and I am counting on Him to see me through. I just have some doubts about my ability.